perfectionwaits

perfectionwaits @ 2009-06-29T22:45:00

2009-06-30T05:41:09Z

this morning was terrible. the night got better. i went from out of control to healthy in the period of one day. clearly that's not permanent, i'm only talking half a day here-- but it felt good to turn my day around instead of 'waiting for tomorrow'. there is no point in waiting when it comes to our own well-being, to our own happiness.

YOU ALL KNOW THIN WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPIER. YOU CAN TRY TO CONTINUE TO THINK YOU'RE THE EXCEPTION. BUT YOU'RE NOT. ugh, i KNOW this but I too have trouble with it registering in my brain. i still desire thin. it has become habitual. the truth is, the more weight you lose only makes you even more scared. scared to gain it back, scared of what you're doing to yourself, scared to let go of the dark BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE ANYMORE and even harder to ever find your way to the light.

i have been in & out of disordered eating. bingeing. mia. ana. healthy. repeat. and this has been going on for yearsssss. i looked at old posts from 2006 and i realized it has been well over 3 years of these thoughts. i have been miserable to myself for probably 10 years now and i am not even 24 yet. that is terribly sad.

lately i tell myself, if i was consumed by this for so long that i'm going to need patience, i need courage, i need TIME to pull me out of this. expect failure. then overcome it by never giving up.

if i give up on myself, i die. i may not want to be fat, but i do so want to be alive, i mean really ALIVE. and you can't be alive and be fully engaged in disordered eating. you'll never be the exception that will.

stay strong.

perfectionwaits @ 2009-06-29T15:20:00

2009-06-29T22:17:10Z

can't stand all the chatter in my head. going for a run and blare loud music to drown out the insane.

perfectionwaits @ 2009-06-29T15:05:00

2009-06-29T22:00:51Z

we only bend
we can not break
death defies all these odds
you come to me
with that last chance in your eye
but don't you know?
i can't save you
until i save myself
my actions
are the complete opposite of my very own words
i wear this disguise like a superhero
fearing my own villain inside
the fat on my thighs, the skin under my chin
suffocate my well being
they stifle my chance
of having any chance at all to escape
whenever i'm full,
i'm really empty inside
can't even feel what i'm feeling
know that somewhere, somehow, some way
there needs to be some healing
so lost in my own direction
just trying to find a way to re-start

my memory reminds me that i'm still alive

please stop

2009-06-29T18:46:37Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLYbSghCtXg

june 28 2009 1130pm

2009-06-29T06:30:20Z

when today fails you
because you know it probably will
lift your head up sweet baby girl
you don't have to wait for all your tomorrow's to begin
because miracles don't exist in the days that pass us by
but they do exist in you,
they do exist in me
you can learn to turn your whole world around
all on your own
moment by moment
patience starts with you and only you
no matter how many falls,
we'll take the gravel out of skinned knees
and disheveled hearts can learn to remold
knock me down again and again
and i will rise with battered strength
ana your hands can push me
but can never keep me down
right in between is the struggle
right in between is where you end
and this is where i begin

perfectionwaits @ 2009-06-08T19:22:00

2009-06-09T02:19:07Z

4 laxatives, it's for my own good.

perfectionwaits @ 2009-03-20T20:31:00

2009-03-21T03:31:30Z

What's more important? me or food? stuffing my face like there's no tomorrow, cringing on the inside at fat photographs, wondering if theres more inside than lard and bones. no ones left to blame but myself. happy i feel but i can see it slipping away if i don't get this under control. this thing, this poison, already out of control. 10 pounds in 3 days feels like a ton of bricks sitting in my gut. loss of control, tryin not to lose myself. nothing else ever felt so good as thin could feel.

perfectionwaits @ 2009-02-12T23:07:00

2009-02-13T07:06:57Z

I wanna look perfect on the outside
it doesn't matter what's on the inside

fatso be gone

2009-02-12T04:45:00Z

tick tick ticker

2009-02-12T04:42:06Z

I wanna feel....

2009-02-12T04:17:48Z

I wanted to FEEL again. Craving that crazy high again, so i wait....and i wait, and nothing comes. So i sink back low just to know i have emotion inside of me. See, the funny thing is, is that I am happy, I have no real complaints besides feeling ugly and fat, what girl doesn't deep down inside feel disgusting?? oh the joys......

but i get selfish. when i'm happy, i want more, i want it all. i guess i'm an all or nothing kinda girl. got so bored with the mediocre and my writers' mind craves the intensity behind my manic episodes. they are addicting. i have so much love inside me and for what? it's all wasted. i am rambling. plenty of people love me and i love them all for it but i want someone to dig deeper, to uncover me. i want someone to dive into me.

and i want to let them in.

but for now i'll take the anxiety, the fight, the control that ana brought. as sick as it is, at least i will feel something. gawd maybe i am really crazy......

It's enough to make you go crazy....

2009-02-11T05:16:23Z

Break me open, I wanna feel, I do....

Feeling like I've been locked up, locked away for years and now that I have broken free I'm not sure how to feel anymore. Had a boy crack me open slightly and then he went disappearing which left me alone seeping out of myself slowly. I had a taste of what it was like to feel something significant again and now it's back to nothingness.

What's ironic is that with all that goes wrong around me, I hold on to my hope with a death grip and I smile everyday because I am alive and there are really no complaints about my life. I know things could be worse, there are things that I am bored with but some I'm not sure how to change, others I am just too lazy to change. Needing a fire under my ass to do anything and I'm lacking fuel. My time alone goes by in slow motion. and I eat in fast motion, unbelievable, i'm not even hungry and day after day i'm like an animal getting ready for its next kill. this is a deep embedded habit now. as soon as i wake i eat. my teeth hurt today from all the sugar and salt intake.

i just want to stop, why do i do this to myself? i wanna cry but i've been numb for so long that tears are foreign to me. i know how to laugh and have my moments of happiness and smiles but i don't FEEL anything else.......i barely feel at all, desperately holding on to signs of life, i just need to pull through

i need control.
i am ugly and want to be perfect
...but i don't even have enough feeling to feel ambitious, i have lost my desire for everything in this world

i just wanna feel sexy again, i wanna look in the mirror and see a pretty clean face, flat abs and sculpted flab-LESS thighs. my one dream that i have always been UNable to obtain.

being a girl is fucking retarded.
I will be my own perfection.

mirror mirror

2007-11-25T01:34:28Z

I don't want this. I really don't. I went through such a long period of barely binging, at least not out of control, and no laxatives and then more binges led to the laxatives again...just this one time, just this once...then one more time, i swear its the last......i think we can all see where this is going

all my laxatives are gone:( I know I need to stop. my stomach and intestines feel so fucked up after I take them. I'm up to 4 laxatives just for them to work b/c I've taken them so much in the past.

the more I focus and obsess, the more I try to reign over this and the more it just pushes the control further and further away. it's sooo hard not to think about it, i know i've done it before, but all it takes is one slip, one fall that takes too long to get back up, and you're suddenly back where you once struggled to leave....

perfectionwaits @ 2007-10-04T22:44:00

2007-10-05T02:44:41Z

cleanse me of this

ugly

2007-10-05T02:43:08Z

I got so nervous. I went away on vaca, gained 5 pounds and just felt it was ok to continue to binge when I returned home. Now I had the opportunity to see the boy I like and I just kinda turned it down. And then I ate, I stuffed my face, purposefully. I could feel how nervous I was. I can't wear anything cute cuz I'll look too fat and my face looks ugly, omg I can't let anyone see how ugly my face is. So I ate and then came what I have not done in so long. One pill, and after one came 2 more laxatives. It's always "just this one last time". Oh boy, maybe I'll get it together. For now I have to do work. I've stopped eating. I don't want anymore, I didn't in the first place. I have to remember that. I don't want it in the first place! Stop thinking, now.

tempation creeping in

2007-09-18T03:40:48Z

So the world seems to be in your hands and everything is going perfectly, ok so not perfectly but you're happy. Then temptation creeps in...

I worked out today and saw the calorie count go up higher and higher and I thought, for the first time in months, man how good would it feel to just keep going, to not stop until I physically hurt to stop. I'm having such issues staying focused with my school work and I'm utterly consumed by meaningless things and relationships. Nothing has happened but yet I feel like some things aren't going my way.

I'm thinking too much.
I'm obsessing too much.
I thought I was going to slow down. I have, I definitely have and then these moments come, they are brief but blahhh. I guess I think if I get caught up in this again, everything else will not seem to matter quite so much. That is so stupid. It would probably all escalate out of proportion. I won't go back to this.

I just needed a vent.

3

2007-06-30T22:24:17Z

I can't have it stay inside me. I ate all morning, all afternoon and at 4pm I went for a 2 hour walk and talk laxatives before I left. I've taken laxatives so much that I need to take 4 for them to work. This is the 3rd time this week I've taken laxatives. I'm not losing weight cuz when I restrict then I binge and I will do this for days on end and I need to get it out of me. I was doing so good and then a death in my family happened and I indulged and drank with days straight and now I need to get back on track. I'm never EVER going to lose unless I can take care of myself but I keep screwing up and keep saying, "I'll start tomorrow". I know you can never start tomorrow, you have to start now!

I just want to be thin. I wanna let go of all my worries and I feel like even when I can I look in the mirror and I'm still fat. My fat lingers around to haunt me.

Why can't I just let it go? let go of my fat...what is wrong with me?

perfectionwaits @ 2007-06-06T16:27:00

2007-06-06T20:28:04Z

I've made the executive decision to stop growing up. There, it's settled then. I'm slowly being sucked of my positivity, my hope. I try and hold on so tight but there are moments I let go and feel so lost. I feel crazy hormonal lately. My period is all screwed up so maybe I am. I have alot of bad going on, but good as well and feel ungrateful for my life when I feel this way but it's so hard to battle. I see my ex bf this weekend and I hate him. I hate him for making me be ready to do long distance with him, for me giving him my whole heart. I hate loving him so much cuz it's so damn hard and I am so weak. But I'll pretend, pretend I'm strong, pretend I'm confident, pretend like nothing else is wrong in my world when honestly it feels like everything around me is falling and I'm not strong enough to catch the pieces before they hit the ground and shatter.

Will my mind ever stop, will I ever be that girl again that I used to be and loved so much, will I ever love myself fully again?

there's a pounding in my head

2007-03-07T03:08:13Z

I pound this music into my skull to push out everything. I don't want my thoughts, please o please can you take them. And they pour out and rush back in. I'm tired of tredding water. I wanna let go, I wanna I wanna. Far too long I've been back and forth.

I need help.

jump on

2007-03-07T03:05:01Z

When you've felt control to get better and then you feel the loss, there's a decision to be made. Either way there is a struggle, there is a battle, there is a fight. And it's either the fight to get better or the fight to stay sick. The moment mounts and mounts when you're torn in the middle, when you've tasted both sides. It feels like your waiting on line for the first time for a roller coaster you've never been on. you're nervous, contemplating turning back and it's that moment when you're sitting on top when you're not sure if you want to throw up or smile. those are the 2 sides.....the happiness, being healthy and the puking, the sickness. I feel sick.

I've fought on the the other side and I'm so tired of struggling to feel better.

I am ready to fall again.

I wanna taste nothing.

I wanna feel nothing.

I wanna see nothing.

Help me be nothing.

how to be

2007-02-20T04:41:34Z

Seriously, could I just be normal for 2 damn seconds. I'm so sick of feeling sick. I have been fighting this for 2 years now. I don't know if you'd exactly call me your typical ana. I go through spurts....sometimes its weeks of laxatives, other times it's attempts at throwing up and then there's times of the restricting, over exercising and days without eating.

See today I had a good day. I felt good today, a rarity, something I appreciate when it happens. and then I just, I see a picture, something that settles in my mind the wrong way, an imagined story involving my boyfriend and another girl and I freak. my mind Freaks. and it's like WOAH, where does this come from?, HOW do I do this to myself and WHY WON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP!?

so sick of myself....does a day go by when I can not make myself feel like shit?? and it's my mind, it's all in my control but i've gotten myself so screwed up when i was really deep into ana tendencies that my mind is a struggle btwn 2 and I never know who's winning.

i'm full of shit and i'm craving to be empty....save me

long time

2007-02-19T05:10:17Z

wow, long time no write from me...

so I went through a period of recovery that went really well. It was hard and I thought about it everyday but I finally broke habits and created new ones. I feel like I've gotten off track lately and I don't feel crazy but I feel myself gaining weight and I'm kinda freakin out. I want to go on a 3 day fast to cleanse my body again and hopefully be strong enough to reboot and try again.

What are the best things to drink/eat that would be healthy and good for a cleansing fast??

nothing inside to cry

2006-10-01T09:05:28Z

How do you not be sad? 3 days away from seeing my boyfriend who is the love of my life and the closer I get the more I go in and out of mini bouts of sadness. I'm not thin enough but 3 days isn't nearly enough time and I'm nervous to see how beautiful it is where he goes to school, plus how beautiful everyone around him is. WHY WHY WHY, why would he want me so far away if he's surrounded by beauty and things to occupy himself with all the time? MORE importantly, why do I have to feel this way...shouldn't I be excited? I know I should be but all I want to do right now is cry but I can't help but feel numb right now. I wish I didn't think this way and I wish I was already exactly how I wanted to look......Perfect.

sick twinge

2006-06-22T01:32:43Z

That sick twinge...you all know the one,

its the one you get when everythings feeling fine and happy and then it hits you in the gut. and it makes you sick.... but you like it.

my boyfriend always refers to all his friends as just that, 'friends' and so I call him silly for not saying their names ever. so he started too...and even when i know there is nothing to feel threatened over i still get an odd twinge in my stomach hearing another girls name..maybe its the jealousy that other girls get to be around my boyfriend more than I do or who knows. but i get this feeling and it makes me not want to eat and the feeling sucks but not wanting to eat feels great. its like how i kinda enjoy looking at pictures of his thin girl friends because it pushes me to want to be thinner, better...always have to be more, or in this case I suppose I should say less. I CAN NOT BE THE FAT GIRL. the sickness is empowering almost. just when you think you can snap back into normal life, there's always something there that has the ability to snap you back.

blahhhhhhh

2006-06-16T16:48:32Z

So ladies, its been a while. I've been in Italy these past couple weeks and it has been amazing! I've been having slip ups real bad though. It's hard. I have a lil over 2 weeks until I leave to go back home and just recently started running but it's not enough. Girls please share your strength with me. Any words and advice to help me control myself would be so much appreciated. I hope you are all staying strong. I'm still dealing with the struggle, just when I think I'll be ok I look at myself and feel disgusted.

Not good enough yet....